Xan, Catherine, and Kathleen: Turning up the Heat!

[We break radio silence to bring you this special edition of Vongsafood.  In today's episode, we chronicle one family member's lifelong quest to conquer Spice Mountain. Also, Pizza Madness -- that's making you mad with pizza.  And what does a hedgehog have to do with pie? All this and more on today's episode of Vongsafood!]

The rest of this post will not, however, sound like NPR.

Kathleen came to visit us in Chicago last weekend!  As you are no doubt aware, it is a very good idea to hide the spicies before Kathleen arrives. Unfortunately, things were just a little too hectic on Friday and I missed this crucial hosting step.

So, Dad, I apologize in advance for what you are about to witness.  I just screwed up, and I take full responsibility.  Do not blame Kathleen!  She is basically not a player character where spicy is concerned.  Whatever control she may have in other areas of her life, when food arrives in front of her, the spicy subroutine kicks in and takes over.  It goes like this:

1. This food is not spicy enough. 
2. I must apply spice until the food is spicy enough.
3. This bottle does not dispense spice fast enough.
4. I must remove the lid so the bottle dispenses spice fast enough.
5. I must shake the bottle harder to increase the rate of spicing.
6. I must not stop shaking until spice has attained supermajority status.
7. Spice has attained supermajority status and now controls the spicing vote on plate.
8. Request further spicing instructions. Food plate constituents: Please advise.
9. Spice supermajority has voted for More Spice.  Executing request.
10. Food is no longer visible beneath Spice Mountain. Finally, it is time to eat!
11. My mouth is on fire.  It burns so good.
12. [Cough! Gasp! Wheeze!]
13. Note to self: Inferior airways still not robust to atmospheric conditions at top of Spice Mountain.  Training regimen must continue.

I cannot emphasize enough that these steps just happen.  Sometimes Kathleen doesn't even like it that much, but she has to do it because eating ultra spice is part of her identity.  There is nothing to be done, except stand back and watch with some combination of awe, amusement, and terror.  In what follows, I document a few of these moments for posterity.

Here Kathleen has just executed Step 4:

Red pepper flakes in full pour mode.

And here is Step 5 in action.  Dear reader, please do not try this at home.  A bottle of red pepper flakes with lid removed should never be shaken vigorously enough to produce motion blur:

As you can see, here we are just starting to lose sight of the People's Pepperoni Party.  This is an important step on the road to attaining a 100% Spice Approval Rating from all visible food constituents, and as such it forms the very foundation of Spice Mountain in Steps 9 and 10.

The individual steps of the subroutine are practiced and automatic, and as such they pass by quickly.  But I was also able to capture the precise moment of Step 12 at Dim Sum the next day:

This is her second dish of chili sauce. She has decided to drop all pretense and simply put it on her plate.

Anyway, you might think that next time I will be more careful to hide my red pepper flakes.  However, you would be wrong.  Your mistake is to presume that I still have any left. 

What a rookie mistake!  Do you even know Kathleen?  The more experienced among you are more likely thinking, "But Xan! So far you've only discussed a single bottle of red pepper flakes and a couple dishes of chili sauce in Chinatown.  Kathleen was there for 3 days!  What happened the rest of the time?"

Pepper Palace is what happened.  Kathleen discovered Pepper Palace.

Kathleen gleefully displays her spoils.

Inside the bag: Ghost in the Darkness, Pain 100%, Death Stalker, and two more monstrosities I can't remember the names of.  This kept Kathleen busy -- and my hot sauce reserves safe -- for the rest of the weekend.

Of course, Kathleen also travels everywhere with at least one bottle of her own personal hot sauce.  Don't mess!  She's always packing heat.  Someone should probably get her a holster.

*

Okay, can we talk about actual food?  There was actually food, somewhere, underneath all the spice.

Is this pizza one quarter cheese or three quarters pepperoni.  It depends...are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Kathleen really wanted deep dish, being in Chicago and all, but I refused to make it, and she was pretty happy with this pizza instead.  Because it is so delicious, of course.

In principle this pizza can be very easy to make but I amped it up and it is now more of a maximally delicious pizza than a maximally convenient pizza.  On top of the dough, we have tomato puree, salt, pepper, oregano, basil, paprika, caramelized onions, sundried tomatoes, cheese, pepperoni, and panko bread crumbs.  (Of course I had my own cheeseless one).

That said, it can be done with as little as half an hour of active labor, if you know all of Xan's secrets of timesavingness.

Kathleen really liked this pizza.  In fact, as is her custom, she "praised" it by favorably comparing it to my past "failures."  "You didn't used to make pizzas like this!" she said.  It is always about my what a long way I've come.   However, in this case she completely failed to negate her compliment, because she compared this pizza to my pulled pork pizza, and we know how certain members of the family feel about that one.  So there! I'll take it!

You know what else? Why does everyone in the family always have to say things like, "Don't you dare tell Linden, but this pizza is the best!"  Relax, Kathleen, why would I ever tell Linden you said that?  She would just be mad at both of us.  Especially you, since you're the one who said it and also you forgot her birthday.  And the rest of you lot: I get it, okay?  Mom, I agree it's best if Linden thinks you "like all of your children's pizza equally."  And Dad, I would never reveal that you bestowed upon my pulled pork pizza the highest culinary compliment you are capable of giving, namely the suggestion that I should drop out of school (i.e. fail to graduate) and make pizza instead.  The point is, I think I'm old enough to keep a secret.  Relax, everyone.

And Linden, you too! Don't blame Kathleen for forgetting your birthday.  Unlike me, she does not have a foolproof organizational system for remembering these things.  She relies on her far superior elephantine memory, which means she always remembers your birthday, she just doesn't necessarily remember that it is currently your birthday.  Also, what do you want for your birthday?  I did not want to ruin your birthday by asking.

See?  See how considerate I am?

I feel like I'm five steps ahead of you people.  I know what you're probably thinking right now: Gee, I really, really hope Linden doesn't read this post...because then she would have to think of something for Xan to get her for her birthday.

No no no. You are totally missing the point.  Linden does not want anything for her birthday, but she also doesn't want to be forgotten.  She wants to be asked but doesn't want to have to answer.  So because I am a genius, I have found a way to ask her without making it common knowledge between us that she has been asked, which means she never has to admit she has been asked, even though she has, and thus she never has to answer. (Unless she actually wants to, in which case she can).

And because I am a double genius, she can also never complain about any of the other content of this post without making it common knowledge that she has been asked and therefore has to answer.  More specifically, she can never complain to me.  She can make all your lives super difficult, but the beauty of it is that I never have to live with any of it.  And that, my friends, is called treble genius, because it does treble damages.

*

Speaking of pizza and Linden and her birthday, when I talked to her on her birthday, she suggested that I replace half of my bread flour with whole wheat flour in my pizzas.  So I tried it, and the results were pretty good!

It's denser than my usual dough, but not that much, and overall I was surprised at just how well it behaved.  It definitely had that whole wheat flavor, and reminded me a bit too much of bread in some bites, but I will definitely be repeating.

*

Coming back to Kathleen, I will be in big trouble if I don't mention how good this pie was!  Kathleen and Catherine made a chocolate pecan pie. How good? Really good!

Kathleen said multiple times that the pie was "for me." Somehow her eyes told a different story...

"I wish Xan weren't so attentive. Also, this pie is not spicy enough."

You can also see a gratuitous magic bar on my plate.  Just because.

AND look at this hedgehog cookie cutter she got me!  In the background you can even glimpse a second hedgehog cookie cutter in huff-and-puff mode:

Mmm, delicious pie!

We don't have a lot of cookie cutters, but I don't see the purpose of keeping the rest of them at this point.  I can scarcely imagine a scenario where replacing your cookie cutters with hedgehogs wouldn't automatically improve the outcome.

Xan: Pan Pizza Montage!

I made so many of these since my previous post, and though I didn't take pictures of most of them, we're gonna need a montage!  I tend to take pics when food is noticeably different from something I've cooked before, so these are more or less representative of the variations so far.  (Minus the one depicted in my previous post.  Actually, that is my favorite and the one I make most often).

Pepperoni.  Caramelized onions.  Olives.  Panko bread crumbs.

Thinly sliced potatoes, onions, bread crumbs.

Melted butter and cinnamon sugar.

This is just Catherine posing happily with her new pizza cutter from Disney World.  Sigh...

Olive oil, salt, and rosemary

Hawaiian with bread crumbs!

 And here is an overhead shot of the Hawaiian pizza:

An emblem of our relationship.

On the left, cheeseless Hawaiian with crushed pineapple and leftover ham from Easter.  On the right, Catherine's version of Hawaiian, namely regular pepperoni pizza. (with bread crumbs. are you noticing a trend yet?)

And here is a closeup of her slice since we don't have one of those yet:

This would also be an excellent opportunity to showcase our new cast iron skillet, which is visible in the Olive Oil, Salt, and Rosemary bread above.  We had a 10" cast iron skillet (which was used to make most of these) and Anne gave us a 12" as an engagement gift.  (Thank you!  We're putting it to good use!)

I wanted a 12" in part because the 10" pan pizzas are dissatisfyingly small for the two of us.  I didn't want to go above 12" though, as I have learned from experience that even 12" pans are much larger than 10" pans. Their area is proportional to the square of the diameter, of course, so the 12" pan is almost 50% larger than the 10".  But even knowing this, it still always surprises me on a gut level, just how quickly pans get big as the diameter increases. I mean, look!

On the right is the 12" pan, on the left the 10".  It comes pre-seasoned from Lodge, but it ain't the same, as you can see. So I seasoned it myself. (You can see it is black in the Olive Oil, Salt, and Rosemary Bread shot).  Anyway, the 12" pan is just right for our pizzas.  And for Easter I used it to brown a rack of lamb that wouldn't fit in the 10"!

But listen.  You can make these pizzas in whatever size pan you want.  The important thing is to make them, for they are easy and delicious.  Again, here is the basic recipe.  But to that, I would add that I no longer bother making pizza sauce, which makes it even easier.  (You could also buy pizza sauce...).  I just use crushed tomatoes or tomato sauce, throw some salt on, and sometimes make up the difference with other toppings.  If you go this route, the dough is easy, the sauce is easy, the toppings are easy.  That adds up to easy pizza!

Xan: Pan Pizza!

At last.  AT LAST.

This is the pizza I have been trying to make all this time.  Easy and delicious pizza with a thick, oily crust.  This is not deep dish; it's Pizza Hut pizza.

I like Pizza Hut crust a lot.  I have tried to replicate it by incorporating oil into the pizza dough, and by brushing oil onto the crust right before cooking.  But it never came close to working.  The crust needs to fry in oil.  Not that much oil -- a tablespoon will do -- but enough that a pan is required.

In addition to the crust, the toppings were excellent.  This is the first cheeseless pizza I have ever eaten that didn't seem to be missing something...and it didn't even have meat on it!  (Of course Catherine's side still had cheese).  And I didn't have to make pizza sauce!  The toppings in this case were: crushed tomatoes, sundried tomatoes, olives, caramelized onions, and panko bread crumbs.  These are all things I have lying around my kitchen, but if you don't have caramelized onions in your freezer, you'd have to add that to the process. Or just use more typical toppings.  I mean, if you aren't lactose intolerant, it's easy to make a pizza that doesn't seem to be missing something.


I am indebted yet again to Kenji.  Here is the basic pizza recipe:
http://slice.seriouseats.com/archives/2013/01/the-pizza-lab-the-worlds-easiest-pizza-no-knead-no-stretch-pan-pizza.html

and here is the recipe with approximately the toppings I used:
http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2013/02/easy-party-pan-pizza-sun-dried-tomatoes-olives-caramelized-onions-sfinzione-sicilian-recipe.html

I would highly recommend this pizza to anyone, but especially to a home cook who is just starting out and aspires to make great pizzas from scratch.  There is no kneading of the pizza dough, and no nonsense with shaping the pizza or getting it into and out of the oven.  This is a pizza that's really easy and consistent as long as you have the right equipment, and all of the equipment is a good investment if you are looking to build up a versatile kitchen inventory.  You will find useful a digital kitchen scale (I can recommend this one) and a 10-inch cast iron skillet (e.g. this one), both of which are a lot more versatile than pizza peels and baking stones.

Did you know the amount of flour in a cup can vary by as much as 50% (!) depending on how packed it is?  (Weighing the flour eliminates the guesswork).

Xan: Cinnamon Sugar Pizza!

This was an obvious one: Spread some melted butter over the dough and sprinkle with cinnamon sugar.

The sugar melts and starts to caramelize, forming a sort of hard coating pocked with holes.  Easy and yummy.

Xan: Pulled Pork Pizza?

Lin is going to hate me for posting all the things she missed at the beach this year, but I also made a bunch of pizza dough to bring down to the beach.  I made an assortment of mini pizzas: cheese, pepperoni, Hawaiian, and pulled pork pizza:

It turns out that barbecue sauce and pulled pork make a really good pizza!  People loved it so much that I made a bigger one another day:

Maybe next year, Lin.  I'm sure you'll agree this whole England thing is not worth it. Give it up already!

Linden's Thing Xan Can't Eat

People in England have difficulty with the concept of Pizza and America. They also have difficulty with the idea of jocks and cheerleaders in the classroom (and outside of it), but that is easily laid to rest with assurances that yes, they do exist.

Pizza, on the other hand, takes a little more explaining. Yes, we have pizza just like yours. We have flopsy New York pizza. We also have doughier crusts, like Dominos. And then we have deep dish from Chicago. Yes, they count as pizza. No, Italy doesn't hold copyright on pizza.

And then I usually feel obliged to mention that England unapologetically bastardizes every cuisine it gets its hands on, sometimes with delicious results (take Chicken Tikka Masala, for example) and that I don't understand how England even has a high horse to climb on when it comes to food.

But the terrible consequences of all of this are that I am left craving pizza, and not just the kind we can get in this country. The Chicagoan kind! And then I feel the bitter irony that has Xan "NoCheese" Xan living in the heart of deepdish land and me living very far away.

So I set out to make little deepdishes. They are a jumble of compromises, because this country isn't very into things like cast iron or cornmeal. So my deepdishes are made in a springform. This, on the bright side, makes serving easier since you can just despring the form once it's cooked. And I use very finely ground cornmeal, but that's all right. (To make the dough biscuitier, you add a little cornmeal in place of flour. ...and some butter.)

And, this country doesn't have italian sausage, so I have to make my own. (By buying sausage meat, and then adding in chili flakes and fennel. That does just about well enough, since it's going into tomato sauce anyways.)

But they are super delicious! Just look at that cheesy, tomatoey center. With basil sprinkled artistically on top.

Yum yum yum.

Linden's Imprecise Method of Making Tomato Sauce

Tomato sauce depends on what you're making it for. If you're going for pizza sauce, you don't want loads of add-ins like onions and mushrooms and (pleh) green peppers. It also depends on whether you have real live tomatoes or are using a can of crushed tomatoes. But my basic process is always the same.

What you need:
can of tomato stuff, or, tomatoes. if I'm just making pasta for myself, I use about four squash-ball sized tomatoes.
lots of garlic (3-4 cloves per can)
other sauce veggies (I'll use half a big onion or a whole small onion per can, cut into wedges)
italian seasoning, or basil and oregano
salt, pepper, and chili flakes

a note: if using real tomatos, I toss them in boiling water for a minute so their skins split, and then let them cool for a few minutes and peel them, the skins come right off. when initially cooking, the sauce will be fairly watery. it takes around 15 min to reduce to a nice saucy consistency.

Heat your saucepan and put a little olive oil in. Chop up your onions, and throw them in the pan. Mince the garlic, and throw that in too. Sprinkle some chili flakes in. Once these things are mostly cooked (you don't want the garlic to burn or go too brown, but you want onions pretty soft), throw in tomatoes (or canned stuff). let this sit for a while (five minutes at bare minimum), mashing up the tomatoes to help them cook. add loads of italian seasoning or basil and oregano, some salt, and lots of pepper. if it's very acidic, add a pinch of sugar. cook for at least another five minutes. taste, add more seasoning to taste, and let sit a little longer. The herbs take a little while to properly flavor the sauce, so tasting right after you add won't give you a proper idea of what it will taste like.

Kathleen, if adding a pinch of sugar didn't help, I suspect you aren't putting in enough seasoning. If I'm cooking a whole can's worth of sauce I probably use on the order of a tablespoon of seasoning all together. I start cooking the sauce before I start cooking the pasta, and finish after the pasta is cooked. It should take bout 20-25 min from start to finish.

For pizza sauce, I don't use onions. So I toss in my garlic and chili flakes (lots of them, since it will get spread out over an entire pizza) and when the garlic is just starting to smell delicious, I throw in my tomatoes. It takes at least 20 min for the tomatoes to reduce to a proper pizza sauce consistency. I don't add nearly as much seasoning, just a bare amount of oregano, and some salt and pepper and slivered fresh basil.

Kathleen's Pizza and Macaroons

This afternoon I cooked a pizza, not because I'm a copycat but because it's one of the recipes my Weight Watchers recommended, and I've had the ingredients for a while. It didn't turn out so well, though. Too much dough and pizza sauce for too little cheese (recipe's proportions), and soggy in the middle. Plus, because of the sogginess I had to cook it extra long, which meant the cheese and basil were a bit crisped up. The peppers were still good, though!

I'm definitely having tomato sauce challenges. I tried Linden's suggestion of putting a bit of sugar into the pasta sauce I made yesterday. First 1/2 tsp, but it didn't make a difference, so then another half, but then it was too sweet and I had a devil of a time trying to mask that taste. If anyone has any good pasta sauce recipes, please send them to me!



Next I made macaroons, which was far easier than I had been led to believe. I did a bit of fiddling to try to figure out how to make them moister in the middle, but I was doing better by the end. Yum yum!

Xan: Pizza dough variety show

Actually I have been making a lot of pizza dough lately, because it's so versatile.  I like to make a triple batch of dough and freeze most of it for future use.  Here are some things I have made so far:

Flatbread:

The simplest possible thing to do with pizza dough is to just fry it in a little olive oil.

Pizza bianca (Italian for Bianca's pizza):

Ooh let's get a close-up on that one:

It's basically just pizza dough treated as bread.  This one is slightly overcooked but I've made at least 3 more of them since they're so easy (and yummy).

Puffed up dough ball thingies:

Mind, I don't actually know how I got this all puffed up, but it was good.

Lemon pizza:

Not bad. It was...interesting.

Calzones:

Didn't get these to properly seal, but they were okay.

Actual pizza: On a couple occasions when we had guests over, we made personal pizzas so everyone could put what they wanted on.  You may notice this fine specimen is considerably rounder than Linden's first attempt:

Catherine's personal pepperoni pizza

But don't worry Lin, it was definitely not my doing.  Here is my cheeseless sacrilege:

Actually I think I have the roundness down by now, but I don't have the pics to prove it.