Xan: Linden and Chris Wedding!

We had a great week in England for Linden and Chris' wedding in June!

I've been going to a lot of weddings lately, but this was a unique wedding for me. The microscopic size -- 14 of us in all -- meant that, much like Antman, we could do some amazing things that have never been physically possible at larger scales. We all spent the week at Middleton Hall and cooked our own food and went on day trips to interesting places. As every cook knows, it's three times as hard to cook for twice as many people in a foreign kitchen, and four times as hard to clean up after them. But we just about managed it, and had a great time. We pulled off some real upscale dining, at least in the sense that the numbers on our bathroom scales have moved in the general direction of up!

You will not find any pictures from the ceremony here, because this is a food blog, and because Linden asked us not to eat during the wedding ceremony. Sorry to rain on your parade, but you can't very well expect sunshine from a wedding in northern England, can you?

Even so, I will include a few pictures that could plausibly be considered food pictures from some perspective. For instance, from a puffin's perspective, a beak full of minnows is a hearty lunch:

Puffin on Farne Islands, captured in flight by holding binoculars to the lens of a camera phone.

Furthermore, it must be said that from an Icelander's perspective, the puffin itself is lunch:

We did visit Iceland on the way home, and yes, when in Rome...

And from a French perspective, the walls of Bamburgh castle are lined with escargot:

I just like this photo.

You know what, I'm just going to post my favorite photos and I'll be damned if they don't have something to do with food.

Here's a sheep -- eating!

"Sheep in Sheep's Clothing"

Here's a mushroom -- calling all hobbits!

Moosh-roooms!

Here's a delicious Arctic tern-over!

Photo credit: Dad.

You see how it goes. Just you try and stop me! I spent just about 30 years mastering the English language and it will damn well say what I say it says! We actually have to discuss the matter of the terns on the food blog, because if I had to pick one word in the entire English language to describe terns, it would be PECKISH!

If I had to pick a second word in the English language to describe terns, it would be graceful. If I had to pick a third, it would be misanthropic -- they hate people. But English lacks the word I'm really looking for, which is a searing hatred for all multicellular lifeforms not currently involved in the raising of their young.

Calling all peckish graceful misanthropes! Anthropos sighted! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

The incredible thing is that terns seem to seek out opportunities to take offense, in much the same way that squirrels seek out opportunities to make you feel guilty for turning them into roadkill. Unlike other birds, terns build their nests right along human walkways, and then they go ballistic and dive-bomb anyone who walks by*. There will be pecks, so be sure to wear a hat.

[*Actually, a better theory is that while terns hate humans, they hate other birds even more. So they nest inches from the humans because at least the seagulls won't bother them there.]

And it's not just pecks. Before we visited the Farne Islands, we were told to abandon all hope -- everyone gets pooped on. Indeed, the ranger sported a convincingly white-streaked hat. However, this hardly being my first rodeo, I immediately reassured everyone that only Dad would be pooped on. I can't say why birds always go for him, but I am pleased to say that my preregistered prediction proved 100% correct as usual. The "streak" continues!

O tern of terns, I shall name thee Peckin-Pa.

As you can see, the Farne Islands were a highlight for me. There were also some nice castles, and Grandma enjoyed a round of Skittles:

Do you really want to be the one arguing that Skittles aren't a food?

Rehearsal Dinner

The wedding week activities were fun, but at some point we really do need to get cooking. Linden asked me to handle the rehearsal dinner. This was to be the big meal of the wedding, and since I like constrained optimization problems, I gladly accepted. I needed a menu of foods that (a) scale well to 14 people, (b) are robust to an arbitrarily lousy kitchen, (c) could be cooked in a 3-hour window, and (d) satisfied an extensive list of dietary restrictions.

Empirically, it is pretty clear to me that constraints in the kitchen generally enhance creativity. But before I even got cooking, I faced a more significant constraint: the dress code was formal, yet I couldn't very well cook in a suit! I solved this problem by purchasing Genuine Chef Clothes, which are surprisingly cheap on Amazon:

Photo by Chris Day

It was a good call, too.  I got carrot soup all over myself! (Honestly, who designs an immersion blender without a splash guard? The British, that's who! Soup is done when it sticks to the walls!)

I will be wearing my chef clothes ironically at all future dinner parties.

Anyway, we started with a first course of pressure-caramelized carrot soup, forged in the fires of Mt. Doom:

Linden and Chris each got one-carrot rings in their soups.

This is an easy soup, provided you have access to the high pressures found in the heart of Mt. Doom, which, at Vongsafood, we do. Caramelization reactions ordinarily begin at upwards of 300 F, well above the boiling point of water. If you want to caramelize carrots in a skillet, you must first boil off the surface moisture before the carrots start to brown -- and even then, only on the exterior. But if you double the pressure, the boiling point rises to 250. And if you add a bit of baking soda to create an alkaline environment, the caramelization point drops to 230, below the new boiling point! The upshot of this is that you can now caramelize your carrots in a wet environment. The pressure forces baking soda inside the carrots, which end up brown on the inside. We are talking about perhaps a 50-fold increase in the concentration of delicious caramelization reaction byproducts. Then all that's left is to carefully puree the carrots, thin with carrot juice and garnish.

For the main course, we roasted a couple of chickens and some leg of lamb:

I didn't take enough pictures. But if you want my opinion, the soup and the chicken were pretty good. The lamb was probably in my bottom quartile, but that's an unfair comparison since normally there is a lot of technology involved.

I was let off the hook for dessert. Yuandi made a lemon tart, which was really good!

Parade of yellows: Lemon tart with mango sorbet

I have a theory that yellow foods are the best on average. There aren't many of them, but they really are an amazing group. Anyway, you should all be very impressed with this lemon tart. In the grand scheme of things, meat is pretty forgiving. Roast lamb will always be okay, even if the oven is off by 50 F. But baking in an unfamiliar oven? Good luck!

Hungry for more?

Here are some other yummy foods we ate over the week.

Linden's pork ragout

"Who Kippers the Kippers?"

Fish and chips

"Now you salmon, now you don't..."

Duck Egg McMuffin

Inadvertently pulled chicken tikka masala

Unnecessary Miscellany

I will never forget...

Were-rabbit sighting! Dear Linden, I'm definitely NOT implying that rabbits could ever be a food.

Chris VA with trusty pun whisk

"Cayenne, Cayenne, wherefore art thou Cayenne? A pepper by any other name would taste as spicy..."

Photo by Dad "It Was Worth a Bit of Tern Poop" McPapagrumps

Conclusion

Linden and Chris are married!!!

...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Xan and Grandma: Pork!

Grandma says it has been raining a lot in Thailand, but the water will be gone by the time we get there.  She also sends along some pictures of her pork ribs!  Sadly, they will also be gone by the time we get there.

  

Made with Dad's BBQ sauce.

Source: Makro!

And here is her Kanglian:

A healthier option!  This cancels out pork, right?

I mean, look at all those vegetables!

As it happens, we have been eating up some delicious pork ourselves.  Pork shoulder, specifically.  Mark Bittman's Roast Pork Shoulder, Puerto Rican Style, from How to Cook Everything.

This turned out to be a very yellow and brown meal. Or as we say in the crossword business, ochre!  We have pork, bread, corn with pan drippings, and microwaved honeycrisp apples of deliciousness!

Mmm...

Three little pigs!

That's plate #1.  It was so delicious that I pigged out (!) and ate a double meal.

*

Mark Bittman's Roast Pork Shoulder, Puerto Rican Style
(paraphrased and modified by Xan)

Ingredients

• One 4-7 lb pork shoulder, trimmed of excess but not all fat

Marinade:

• 4 cloves garlic, peeled
• 1 medium onion, quartered
• 1 TBS dried oregano
• 1 TBS table salt
• 2 tsp black pepper
• 2 TBS peanut or other oil
• 2 TBS white wine vinegar, cider vinegar, or other vinegar

Steps

1. If you have a food processor or hand blender, blend together all the marinade ingredients.  Otherwise, just finely chop the onion and garlic, and mix everything together.
2. Place the pork and marinade in a gallon ziploc bag or other container.  Coat the pork all over with the marinade and place in the fridge for 1-24 hours.
3. Preheat the oven to 350 F.  Remove pork from the marinade and roast for 2-3 hours until done.  The internal temperature should be 150-160, and the meat should be fairly tender.
4. Rest for at least 15 minutes, slice and serve.

Notes:

• This is not pulled pork.  We are not cooking it for hours and hours so it won't get to that falling-apart level.  When I do a 4 lb shoulder, it takes about 2.5 hours to get to 155, and it's still sliceable, as you can see from the pictures.
• I crisped the roast up in a skillet right before serving, which is why it is so browned.  Alternatively, if it is not browned to your liking, you could always let the meat rest for a bit, crank the oven up to 450, and put the roast back in for a few minutes.
• In any case, what you should really take from this recipe is the delicious marinade.  You can apply it to the pork and cook it any way you like.  
• I actually poured the entire contents of the marinade over the pork before sticking it in the oven.  The marinade has a paste-like consistency (at least if you use a food processor or hand blender), so it will stay on top.  This obviously hinders browning so if you have troubles with that, don't do it -- maybe pat your roast dry with paper towels instead!  But since I was going to use the skillet afterwards, it wasn't a problem.  The marinade paste forms a really nice, substantive crust.

Oink oink!

Grandma: Pumpkin cake!

Pumpkin cake pumpkin cake, baker's man. Bake me a cake as fast as you can!  (And post it on Vongsafood, please).

Grandma made this:

Looking good, cake!

...out of this:

Looking ugly, pumpkin!

I think we can all agree: that pumpkin would make for one scary Jack-o-lantern.

Grandma: No Knead Monkey Bread!

From Grandma: "...a photo of the monkey bread I just baked and is now almost gone!"

Looks delicious!

Yes, monkey bread does have a way of disappearing, bit by bit...by bit, by bit...

She continues: "I did find the batter a bit runny though.  Do you think the humidity here has anything to do with this?  Next time I shall increase the flour.  Correct?  Anyway a delicious and easy snack.  Thank you for the recipe."

I don't know about the effect of humidity, but yes, I would add more flour if it is too runny.  Flour is tricky to get right, since the volume can vary so much depending on how packed it is.  The best solution is to weigh it, but most recipes don't have flour amounts by weight, so often we must rely on our intuitions.  That said, no knead breads (of which this is an example) tend to have much wetter doughs than a normal bread.  Even so, this dough needs to be firmer than a typical no knead bread because you have to form it into little balls instead of just plopping it into the oven.



This is a follow-up to my previous monkey bread post, which means Vongsafood is doing its job!  May we continue to share our foods and recipes with each other, though we may be separated by many thousands of miles.

Grandma: Almond Cake

Yum yum yum!

Grandma's taling pling jam

From Grandma and Grandpa, who have been reading the blog:


Grandma says:

I have just made some taling pling jam - look that one up (the word I mean). Maybe I will get grandpa to send you a picture of the fruit with a picture of the jam - which isn't exactly delicious (unfortunately as I spent a lot of time on it).

(For those of you who can't be bothered looking it up, taling pling is a tree that bears green fruit (as shown in this picture) and which is sometimes eaten raw, dipped in salt, or added to curry.

Xan: Thanksgiving!

We had an epic thanksgiving this year.  In attendance: me, Catherine, mom, dad, Matt L, Tammy Z, and Liz F dropped by too.

Where to begin?  With the turkeys, of course!  Thanksgiving just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without turkey.  I mean, imagine if you showed up to the table and found it bereft of the old gobble-gobble.  And you know what else would be a total mood-killer?  What if you showed up to the table and no one knew where they were supposed to sit?  Like, it would just be a bunch of people wandering around helplessly with nowhere to eat.  Tragic, right?  Tragic like having no turkey.

Well, as exactly one-half of Xan and Catherine, Kitchen Duo (xckd), I am pleased to report that we have successfully planned and executed a groundbreaking strategy for killing two turkeys with one stone.  Behold:

You get the idea.  That's right, turkey cupcake name tags.  Astute readers will recognize the exact likeness of dad's signature in that last one.  Now, since we had 12 people's worth of cupcakes, donut holes and candy corn, we went ahead and made a few extra for the ones who couldn't be here this time:

These are pumpkin cupcakes with gingerbread cookie tails and donut holes for heads.  Seating information has never been so delicious.  By the way, is it just me, or do these turkeys look kinda clueless?  Kinda ignorant of their impending doom?  I guess some of them had longer to live than others.  It was good to be Catherine's turkey this year.  Mom's, not so much.  Tammy's survived/suffered a long time, really no end in sight, probably something to do with the blindness that tends to occur when a turkey is forcibly deprived of its pupils.  In economics, we would say that Tammy Zioux has revealed a preference for animal cruelty.  Yes Tammy, for googlability purposes, it's probably a good thing that I don't agree with you on how your name is spelled.

Anyways, you may be wondering why killing two turkeys with one stone was really necessary, since we were going to have a regular turkey anyways.  The answer is that at xckd enterprises, we don't do turkey.  We do Turbacon:

This method, which I believe originates in some form from grandma, is pretty darn awesome.  This may look like turkey to the uninitiated, but actually it is a sophisticated bacon delivery mechanism.  There is no basting or tenting with foil or white meat overcooking here; no, at xkcd enterprises we have engineered the next generation of superturkey, with bacon seamlessly biointegrated directly into the skin.  I hope I don't need to tell you that this is delicious.

Also on the menu was stuffing, twice-baked potatoes, sweet potato biscuits, cranberry-sauce-from-a-can, herb bread, hot apple cider, brussels sprouts, carrots, corn, gravy, sweet potato fries, apple pie (tammy), and oreo truffles (matt).

Why yes, that is bacon fused to the skin!

 Dessert:

I leave you with this:

At Vongsafood, playing with your food is encouraged.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and welcome to the holiday season!